To the Woman in the Gold Lexus SUV...

When the light is red, it means you can't go. And once the light turns green, and I can move my car into the left turning lane, I will. Unfortunately, until I can change the laws of physics and make my car morph its shape to fit through a 6 inch opening between the car in front of me and the median curb, please stop honking, making faces and mouthing foul words at me so that I can see them through my rear view mirror. I'm glad that you have somewhere to be so urgently that necessitates you speeding past me in the turning lane and cutting me off whilst honking at me as you go by. I'm sure the other eleventy-billion cars sitting in traffic along with you don't have anywhere to be, so by all means, cut them off too. Maybe you were cheering for your favorite sports team honking like that. And maybe when I flicked you off you thought I was waving...   

A Southern Blog.

Last weekend I was in North Carolina for my cousin's (2nd) wedding. Raleigh to be exact. And yes, it is very much "The South." Let me explain. It's almost magical how the moment you cross the border you encounter people like waitresses who call you "Honey" and "Darlin" or other variations of pet names, said by total strangers. Friendly? I guess. Then there's the accent. It definitely still thrives there, hearkening back to the days of Scarlet O'Hara. I would just love for someone to meet me and say something like, "Yankees in Tara (or Raleigh)?!?!?!" Although, I guess being from Virginia doesn't qualify me as a Yankee. I still consider Northern Virginia to be basically an entire different state than the rest of Virginia, but that's a whole other story....I digress. Then there's things like the State Fair Grounds where I saw more John Deere tractors in one place than I think I'll ever see, short of visiting a John Deere factory. I was sad to miss the Hog Racing (not Harley's...actual hogs or pigs as most would call them) and the Roller Derby. Yes, you heard me. How awesome would these events have been to encounter? The answer is Incredibly Awesome. Too bad my cousin had to have his wedding that day. So we perused the Flea Market and the Petting Zoo. I tested out old velvet covered couches and fed a camel and a llama. Just your typical Saturday morning in Raleigh. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

Retail Proselytizers and the Heavenly Mother.

No, this is not a sermon. But recently I had the experience of being approached by missionaries, and they weren't even Mormon! I was going to the mall to run a quick errand after work that day. I was texting my friend about a funny license plate holder I'd seen that said, "Don't just sit there...Needlepoint!" He responded something along the lines of how I have a special radar for the wackiest people. I honestly think I have some sort of weirdo magnet. Exhibit A: So about 5 minutes after that convo, I'm heading out of the mall after completing my errand. As I'm walking toward the escalator, some man is trying to get my attention. I turn thinking he needs directions to a specific store or something. He mumbles something about how he and his friend are new here, then dives right in. 

Mish: "Have you heard about the Heavenly Mother?" 

Me: Oh boy..."Yes, you mean like the wife of God?"

Mish:"No, that she is also God. That God is both male and female."

Me: "Um, no I don't believe that."

Mish: "Well, it says so in the Bible. Are you familiar with the Bible?"

Me: "What version of the Bible are you reading?"

The convo continued a bit as he tried to convince me of this being the last prophecy in the Bible yadda yadda yadda. He talked about something he called The Sanctuary. (I dunno what he was saying cause my eyes glazed over as I was jogging in place to get outta there). But I told him, and his silent companion, that they should get name tags like the Mormon missionaries. I asked for a pamphlet (so I could show my friend and prove the crazies that I meet). Alas, he didn't have one so instead he gives me his name and phone number on a mini notebook page. Haha, anyone interested??? 

Why I Can't Wait for the Future!

There are a few things that have been promised to us that will happen in the future. I don't know about you, but I haven't lost hope.

1. Dippin' Dots. This is the ice cream of the future. Or so they've been claiming since its inception 20 years ago. So now here we are in 2008. Are we still not in the future yet? Shouldn't all ice cream come in Dippin' Dot formation by now? Granted, I still like Olde Worlde Ice Creame such as Ben & Jerry's...but I also liked scrunchies when they were popular...

2. Hoverboards, as featured in the film Back to the Future. Skateboards are boring. Rollerblades remind me of being nine and also of the joke, Q: What's the hardest part about rollerblading? A: Telling your parents you're gay! Razor Scooters are so 5 years ago. Segues are a new and interesting breed of transportion 
devices, but unfortunately have not caught on to the mass population, probably due to cost. But hovering is at least 8 times more awesome. Ninjas want them. Boys named Biff want them. Jesus may have walked on water, but you...you could hover on water just like this guy. And those shoes could become standard hoverboard riding shoes...as if you needed another reason to want to hoverboard...

3. Zombies and robots and aliens, oh my! This is mostly Hollywood's fault. I don't necessarily want to be around til the end of the world when humans start succumbing to a massive zombie epidemic (i.e. 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later, Dawn of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead...I'll stop there). But I would like to have a jovial, albeit mischievous furry alien join my family tree (i.e. ALF) or maybe a haphazard but lovable robot (i.e. Short Circuit) to crash my pad and romp around town with me. Sigh...these are my hopes.

4. The completion of the Weekend at Bernie's trilogy. No one questioned the sanity of the producers of Mannequin. Or Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Or even Weekend at Bernie's 1. I mean somebody let these movies go into production. Even multiple people...But really it's called suspension of disbelief. Or we could just call it the 80's. Either way, why else would people watch these movies? Weekend at Bernie's 2 was such a stretch, (Um wouldn't he smell?....A LOT???) that I feel like they could really get away with a third. Especially now 20 years later. Hilarity will ensue. Besides Andrew McCarthy needs a gig. And Jonathan Silverman..wait, is he even still alive? He disappeared. Maybe he could replace Bernie as the dead guy. Now there's a twist.

The grossest words in the English language. Period.

Fact: Words with "oi" in them are all gross words. Even if the word itself is not inherently gross, it just sounds gross when you say it because of that sound "oyyyy."

Disclaimer: These words are gross.

Oil(y)

Boil: as in skin lesions.

Soil: "I've soiled myself!"

Groin: uh, self-explanatory.

Loin: only worse when followed by "cloth."

Moist: to me, this is by FAR the WORST of them...it actually makes me shiver.

Ointment: I picture Preparation-H cream, which leads to the next item on the list...

Hemorrhoid: ...don't want to get into this one.

Coil: eww.

Toilet: gross things happen here.

Foil: not inherently gross, but just try saying it now without scrunching up your nose.
Poise: as in the adult diaper-esque product. Enough said.

Ok, now I've saved the best for last....drum roll please....

Goiter!!!

Suffice it to say, that combining any of these words together in a sentence exponentially increases the overall grossness factor. Try using the sentence, "Do you need some moist ointment for your groin?" in your next basic interaction. Or perhaps you could say, "I am boiling my soiled loincloth" when asked what you're up to today. Play around with this list. It is by no means an exhaustive one. Enjoyyyyyyy!!!