19 September, 2008

Graham, Bam, Thank You Ma'am!

About 5 weeks ago, I started a new job (Huzzah!). My previous workplace was wacky and chaotic and claustrophobic - I only had 5 coworkers. Alas, there are things I kinda miss about that wacky establishment. Let me first describe my one coworker, Graham. Nice guy. But he definitely lives in Quirky Town, Population: 1.

Highlights of his quirkitude, mostly involving food:

1. Made his own cheese. He would bring it in a small Mason jar and would eat it off a knife.

Big into the raw food movement. Believes food, i.e. meat and milk, is best left untouched because when you cook it, it changes the molecular structure and thereby changes how your body absorbs it and the nutrients that are leftover. Thus and so, he owned a share in a cow at a farm in Winchester, VA in order to obtain raw milk, which apparently is illegal in VA unless done the aforementioned way. He would bring this milk to work in Mason jars (pattern?)...sometimes he even drank the milky run off from the curdled cheese he made in #1. (As an aside, one time he had a jar of Emeril's Garlic Spaghetti sauce that he put on all his food, although never on any pasta substance of any sort....when he finished the jar - you may want to grab a paper bag - he rinsed it and proceeded to drink the sauce tinged water).
Because I was a runner, he assumed I ate healthy foods. This is completely false. Give me pizza, or give me death. Yet he proceeded to bring me samples of fermented beets and manna bread, which I did try (and promptly spit out). He also took the time to dog ear pages for me in a 1000 page book about how raw foods are good for you. One of my favorite passages mentioned a "study" done in Alaska whereupon some "scientist" found that when Eskimos feed their sled dogs raw meat, it makes them run faster and longer than if they feed them cooked meat. But dogs also eat poop. I am not a dog. Moving on.

4. He brought me a pamphlet that appeared to be circa 1986 about a special herbal yeast supplement called Bio-Strath. Developed by Swiss scientists, it allegedly can boost your immune system, give you more energy, and overall just make you stronger. All with just a droplet on your tongue! He really sold it to me when he said: "I've really noticed a difference in my energy when I run to catch the bus every morning." Look at this happy Swiss family!! YAY!!

5. He always came into work around 11am or noon and would stay til 7 or 8pm. He was somewhat of a workaholic and didn't like to take breaks or spend money on food. So he often came by and would ask me if he could eat some of my snacks. I generally had crackers and or some chips to snack on at the office. So after a couple times of asking me, he decided he could just eat them after I left for the day. On multiple occasions I came in to find an empty cracker box with a note "Will replace -G" (Exhibit A*). Sure enough he did replace the food he ate. Though sometimes, he wouldn't replace them with the same thing. Instead of my usual crackers, he got me Ginger Snaps. Those were pretty good. However, he would often eat the entire bag in one night before I even had a chance to eat one. So then he'd replace with more ginger snaps. A vicious cycle. It was probably his plan all along to just buy me food he would want to eat. But seriously, an entire bag of Ginger Snaps in one evening? Egads. EXHIBIT A*

It is to Graham I owe for some good, nay GREAT stories I've told. I have yet to find a suitable Dwight Schrute-esque replacement like him. Le sigh.