30 May, 2008

Why I Can't Wait for the Future!

There are a few things that have been promised to us that will happen in the future. I don't know about you, but I haven't lost hope.

1. Dippin' Dots. This is the ice cream of the future. Or so they've been claiming since its inception 20 years ago. So now here we are in 2008. Are we still not in the future yet? Shouldn't all ice cream come in Dippin' Dot formation by now? Granted, I still like Olde Worlde Ice Creame such as Ben & Jerry's...but I also liked scrunchies when they were popular...

2. Hoverboards,
as featured in the film Back to the Future. Skateboards are boring. Rollerblades remind me of being nine and also of the joke, Q: What's the hardest part about rollerblading? A: Telling your parents you're gay! Razor Scooters are so 5 years ago. Segues are a new and interesting breed of transportion 
devices, but unfortunately have not caught on to the mass population, probably due to cost. But hovering is at least 8 times more awesome. Ninjas want them. Boys named Biff want them. Jesus may have walked on water, but you...you could hover on water just like this guy. And those shoes could become standard hoverboard riding shoes...as if you needed another reason to want to hoverboard...

3. Zombies and robots and aliens, oh my! This is mostly Hollywood's fault. I don't necessarily want to be around til the end of the world when humans start succumbing to a massive zombie epidemic (i.e. 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later, Dawn of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead...I'll stop there). But I would like to have a jovial, albeit mischievous furry alien join my family tree (i.e. ALF) or maybe a haphazard but lovable robot (i.e. Short Circuit) to crash my pad and romp around town with me. Sigh...these are my hopes.

4. The completion of the Weekend at Bernie's trilogy. No one questioned the sanity of the producers of Mannequin. Or Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. Or even Weekend at Bernie's 1. I mean somebody let these movies go into production. Even multiple people...But really it's called suspension of disbelief. Or we could just call it the 80's. Either way, why else would people watch these movies? Weekend at Bernie's 2 was such a stretch, (Um wouldn't he smell?....A LOT???) that I feel like they could really get away with a third. Especially now 20 years later. Hilarity will ensue. Besides Andrew McCarthy needs a gig. And Jonathan Silverman..wait, is he even still aliv
e? He disappeared. Maybe he could replace Bernie as the dead guy. Now there's a twist.

28 May, 2008

The grossest words in the English language. Period.

Fact: Words with "oi" in them are all gross words. Even if the word itself is not inherently gross, it just sounds gross when you say it because of that sound "oyyyy."

Disclaimer: These words are gross.

Boil: as in skin lesions.
Soil: "I've soiled myself!"
Groin: uh, self-explanatory.
Loin: only worse when followed by "cloth."
Moist: to me, this is by FAR the WORST of them...it actually makes me shiver.
Ointment: I picture Preparation-H cream, which leads to the next item on the list...
Hemorrhoid: ...don't want to get into this one.
Coil: eww.
Toilet: gross things happen here.
Foil: not inherently gross, but just try saying it now without scrunching up your nose.
Poise: as in the adult diaper-esque product. Enough said.

Ok, now I've saved the best for last....drum roll please....


Suffice it to say, that combining any of these words together in a sentence exponentially increases the overall grossness factor. Try using the sentence, "Do you need some moist ointment for your groin?" in your next basic interaction. Or perhaps you could say, "I am boiling my soiled loincloth" when asked what you're up to today. Play around with this list. It is by no means an exhaustive one. Enjoyyyyyyy!!!