21 February, 2011

Pursuit #64: I'm a loser

I used to pride myself on the fact that I never lost anything. I was a vault. I was Sticky Fingers, in the non-klepto sense of the phrase. Now, I'm donning a "Michael look:" 

Michael Jackson cause I'm down to one leather glove
M.J. says all you need is one [glove]. I disagree. My other hand is cold.
and George Michael cause when I looked in the mirror today at work, I realized I only had one dangly earring on...in the left ear no less.
Unfortunately, G.M., I've lost faith that I'll find my other earring.

Maybe I'll invest in one of these. Or a velcro vest.

This all reminds me of something Molly once brought up. Haven't you ever wondered how a lone shoe on the side of the highway or a sock in the bushes ends up there? Where are the owners of these random articles of clothing and how did they end up in the Pollo Campero parking lot on a rainy Wednesday afternoon? "Clothes Not on People" is an interesting phenomenon. However, my recent loser-ness is helping me understand the lonely existence of such items and their plight. And I bet their owners are probably just as lonely without them...

20 February, 2011

Pursuit #63: Do all dogs really go to heaven?

I agree that (most) dogs are wonderful creatures. They are sweet, innocent animals that love you unconditionally and just want to be loved. But sometimes they are completely psychotic. I don't readily have access to Cesar Milan (aka The Dog Whisperer) or the British lady dog whisperer who looks like Sporty Spice. So what do I do?

I was told by the owner before she left town that one of her two smallish dogs doesn't like other dogs, so she just avoids other dogs. What she didn't mention was that this dog not only doesn't like other dogs, but doesn't like other humans, fire hydrants...or sounds for that matter. 

This morning's walk was going swimmingly, until a small unsuspecting toddler walked by with her father. The way the dog leapt at this small child and her father, you'd think they were made out of ham. There was gnashing of teeth, uncontrollable barking and me apologizing to the father while simultaneously trying to quell this furry beast that probably weighs all of 10 pounds. Another dog walked by on the other side of the parking lot, leading to another bout of insanity. At this point, I aborted the walk. 

When one lives in a giant apartment complex, how does one avoid any and all living things and inanimate objects? Something tells me this is impossible. Maybe these are just the classic symptoms of doggy cocaine use?

Looks innocent enough

When the crazy is unleashed

09 February, 2011

Pursuit #62: A whole lotta weird

today in a nutshell:

I also wouldn't be surprised if he speaks Klingon. My 4th visit to the chiropractor. He's quite the character. Mostly I just smile and nod as he quotes the Hippocratic Oath in some accent or says strange cliche phrases in other accents. He likes accents. 

Where the clippings went were of no concern to her...My daily visit to feed this lady's cat. The lady is at home recovering from surgery and can't bend over to feed the cat etc. which is where I come in. Some days she speaks of her crazy cousin who ransacked her apartment while she was in the hospital and bemoans the horrific threats that said cousin made towards aforementioned cat. Today she wanted me to clip her cat's toenails while she held him...in her bed.

We're talking Pantene Pro-V commercial silky smooth + KFC Colonel white. I had my first Albino sighting - an Asian albino child with the shiniest, whitest hair I'd ever seen. As Molly pointed out, not unlike that of Hulk Hogan (according to Sweet Dee on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia).

Not exactly the poster child for sound financial advice. I encountered a friend of my aunt's coworker who has done odd jobs for their office over the years. This nomadic (veritably homeless) man wearing a camouflage jacket and a long white scraggly beard (think Gandolf) told me about a "dog with a big vocabulary" and proceeded to dispense monetary advice to me as he watched the TV for the stock market update and discussed his plans for starting a fishing foundation in upstate NY. Also, he lives in his van.